


Empty Blade

by despashito



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Autism Spectrum, M/M, Mental Anguish, Neurological Disorders, No One Is Toxic, Past Relationship(s), References to Depression, Sad, Teen Angst, Unrequited Love, because dirkjake is not a toxic ship for the love of god
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:47:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24795670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/despashito/pseuds/despashito
Summary: Pretending along is possibly the easiest part of it all.To spread lies and keep it going, like a wildfire.That wildfire isn't stopping, and it's only just begun.Dirk is in a relationship with the one and only, Jake English. At first, he was amazed, euphoric, and content. Now, he's hesitating and currently in a state of self-hatred and doubt.
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider
Kudos: 4





	Empty Blade

Waking up each day.

It's personally no problem for you, but what is a problem is facing the notifications that stay in your phone. The little messages that have been waiting for you since 7 AM. Sometimes even 10 AM, if he was feeling sleepy.  
At first, it wasn't an issue, at all. You were content, happy, and you might even call your past self euphoric. It was similar to the delicious honeymoon phase after someone got married, except in your case no one is married and now you're both out of the phase. Except, you feel that only you are. And that's the issue. You have a deep, dark and dreadful feeling at the bottom of your gut that you might be falling out of love with your partner.  
This wouldn't be such a glaring problem if he was out of it, too. But, he's into you so much like the burning, intense kindle of flame that would be lit on a pile of logs in a campfire. And, you are simply not at that campfire. He is alone, and you left him behind. So much for that.  
Now, you only put on a persona. The persona that only he sees, the one where you act so in love with him and that you're so happy and that you too, love him just as much as he loves you. Sure, you put on a general persona in front of others who are not close to you, but when your boyfriend comes up, you don't act so lovey-lovey about him. You sometimes even ignore the chatter altogether.

You were never good with relationships. Always putting your own needs before them, it frequently and without fail creates issues. Why wouldn't it?  
Usually, at some point it would fuck you up emotionally and start messing with your mental health. Being with a partner and bringing yourself to be with them every day, talk to them every day... it inevitably felt exhausting, each time.   
You never knew why, it just does. You never figured it was because something is wrong with your neurology, that you're neurodivergent, or even because you're just an asshole. It's most certainly for all 3 reasons. It has to be.

Nonetheless, you're still out of the game. You're being told to get your head back in it, but you can't see yourself doing it. No way. That's just a hard stop.  
He's just. So, intensely in love with you, you don't really understand it. At all. You had passionate, deep excited funky feelings about your ex when you dated him and had a crush on him, but with your current boyfriend... it's not there. It never was.  
And you dislike it. You want to feel happy, you want to reciprocate the love, but deep down, it's just not coming to you.

Pretending along is possibly the easiest part of it all. To spread lies and keep it going, like a wildfire. That wildfire isn't stopping, and it's only just begun.  
It's a deep, personal eternal pain. Your inner core strains whenever you think about having to talk to him, having to put on that persona. It makes you want to push everyone away, and seclude yourself to your own thoughts because no one wants to listen and no one will. That's not okay. 

You're not okay.  
Far - really far from it.

  
You write and draw to take your mind off it. Does it really help? No. Rarely. He ends up distracting you in the end and setting you off course for the rest of the day. You're not particularly fine with that. You feel annoyed seeing a message from him while you're doing either activities, but you force yourself to respond each time because you're not a rude bastard, come on. 

  
It burns. Burns, burns and burns. What burns...? Your inner core. You mentioned previously, that it strains and hurts. It's doing that, still.

You figure that during that one day, you just felt bored. Needed to spice up your life. So, you took up the offer of talking with him. Dating him. You regret that currently, and it might not show to anyone, but you want it to. You want to yell and show everyone in the world that you do NOT like your boyfriend romantically. Not even close.

  
But you can't do anything. You're feeble, like a sick puppy, and someone's been kicking you in the side each time they walk down the alley to go to the alley coffee shop. It's just not working.  
You feel that you're too nice for him. That you can't be assertive, and your cowardice takes over your mind and purposeful decisions.  
  
You kind of want to die.  
  
Because, you're an idiot and lacking communication when you boast that you're so brutally honest and so much like the Dirk Strider that you profess yourself to be. You are you, you can act like it, too. So... what's not clicking?  
You wonder how long it will take until you start taking the frustration out on others. It's bound to happen, eventually. You keep bottling things up and blaming yourself for everything, so it has to spill eventually. All the hatred, self-doubt, self-hatred, hostility and everything in between - it will release. You want to know when, the event that could possibly ruin everything even further for you.

  
To lose all your friends... although, since when did you have those?   
That's another thing you've been struggling with lately.  
You feel you're lacking friends. Which, is true. You don't count your boyfriend as one, it barely even feels like the two of you are friends. Your best friend, Roxy... it feels as if you're not being listened to anymore, that you've been replaced. With someone better, because they just know that you're not enough and never will be and that you are about as worthy as a car trying to get to an island overseas.  
Which, is probably the case, and it was inevitable. You just wish you could've seen it coming to grin and bear it because you are a true Texan, damn it, and you're going to act brave like your ancestors. Just put your chin up and trudge through the pile of juggalo presidents that your descendant had assassinated before you. Put that shit on lock-down and practice that poker face like no one's seen you do before.

Because all you are, is an empty blade. Waiting to be sheathed from your scabbard, only for nothing to come up and to be thrown away.  
That's all you are.  
An empty dirk.


End file.
